The Big Debate

As I mentioned yesterday I have been extremely indecisive about what I want to do with work. I have been debating back and forth about whether I want to stay home or if I want to continue to work? (I'm not saying that staying home isn't work)

If you had asked me this quetsion last year while I was pregnant my answer would have always been I want to work. Not that I didn't want to be home with my daughter, but I liked working and wasn't ready to give that up.

Then if you asked me that question while I was on maternity leave after my daughter was home I would have always answered that I wanted to stay home. At that point I would cry anytime someone mentioned me having to go back to work.

I considered switching to part time (thankfully that was an option for me) or possibly even staying home, but in the end decided to go back to work full time and just see how things went.

Now that I've been back at work for about 3 months I'm not sure what my answer is to that question anymore. We are at a place now that I could stay home, it's just whether or not it's what's best for us.

I miss Kaylee like crazy everyday when I am not home with her. I hate that I only get a few hours with her at night during the week and I worry I'm going to miss it the first time she crawls or says her first words. Plus even though I'm working outside of our home, I still have work at home. Like everyone else I have cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc. that still needs to get done everyday. It was hard trying to figure out the right way to balance both working and being a mom and a wife. But lately I feel like I have finally started to get the hang of it.

We have a good schedule and routine that works for us. Kaylee is doing amazingly well at daycare. I had been so worried about it before, but it has worked out better than I could have imagined. I think it's actually a really good thing for her. I am enjoy getting back to work and getting a little bit of me time even if it is while working. I like the feeling I get every day at 5 when I can rush out the doors and go pick her up. There is nothing better than the smile I get as soon as she sees me. It makes my day, every single day.

Then there's always an option of going part time. My boss had mentioned it awhile ago, before I was even on maternity leave, but there are some things that would still need to be figured out to see how that would really work.

So now I'm stuck on what to do. Not just what I want to do, but what is best for us. If I decide to quit and stay home I wonder what I will do in a few years when she starts preschool or later when she's in elementary school all day. Will I then try to go back to work? Or will we have more kids by then? (we go back and forth about that decision too) Am I ready at 26 to never work again? I don't know.

But on the other hand, I know I would love staying home. It would give me so much more time with her and I would be able to sign her up for classes when she's older like swimming or mommy and me dance classes (yes I used to dance and have already looked at these classes for her lol). I also wonder am I going to look back in 20 years and wish I had stayed home and not missed a second of her growing up. Then again having the extra money is nice and means we can provide even more for Kaylee or any future children. So even though we can afford for me to stay home, is that what's best for our future? Again, I don't know.

Of course I have heard everyones opinions. The good and bad for both sides. But I need to make the right decision for my family, not for anyone else. I don't judge what other people choose to do so I would hope other people don't judge me that way.

So now that I just finished writing all of that out and reading it over, I think it's clear to see that I am just too indecisive to make a decision either way. I think I need to take some time and sort it all out. For now I should just be grateful that I have options and can take the time to decide.

*just to clarify this is in no way saying I think one decision is better than the other. I think everyone makes the right choice for them. this is just me trying to figure out which choice that is.